August 27, 2007

The Greatest Female XI!!!

Enough about the boys of soccer. It's time to unveil the Greatest Female XI!!!

Obviously this is supposed to be taken a bit tongue-in-cheek. And ex-soccer players (e.g. Mia Hamm) weren't allowed.


Goalkeeper, Mandy Moore

The ladies will need to keep people from scoring, for some reason Moore seems like the prude girl for the job.

Maybe it's because she went to Catholic school or because I was bawling so convinced when I watched "A Walk to Remember."

She's tall (5'10") and dated a tennis player, so she should be able to cover the net.

Plus, she starred in "Saved!", which could easily be a goalkeeping movie.

Defender, Anna Kournikova

Can't go wrong with ex-athletes, right?

Kournikova (5'8") has a good body for the position, plus her man Enrique claims she has some impressive wrestling-skills -- which can't be a bad thing.

I put her in the back because I think she'll play with a chip on her shoulder for being regarded as a sports bust.

Any complaints for getting her back in the spotlight?

Defender, Laila Ali

Now it gets serious.

Ali has got the blood to be among the greatest and the attitude to bruise bump some girls in the defensive third.

At 5'10", 175, she'll be sure to strike fear into opposing forwards. As will her undefeated record in the ring.

With Ali in the back, this team is destined -- at the very least -- to reach the knockout stage.

Defender, Amelie Mauresmo

Sure, Mauresmo is the second tennis player so far, but the Frenchwoman is also an ideal center back.

The former world No. 1 stands 5'9", weighs a muscular 150 and could probably knock around the French national soccer team.

Heck, Martina Hingis did once call her "half a man."

Sounds perfect.

Defender, Amanda Beard

Yes, she posed in Playboy. But she has also won seven Olympic medals.

At 5'8", Beard fills out a very physically imposing and athletic defensive backline.

Plus, you never know if her pornographic artsy modeling career could offend some of the ladies on the other side, get in their head a little bit, throw 'em off their game.

It's worth a shot.

Midfielder, Allison Stokke (Captain)

How long has it been since we had a Stokke reference. Too long I think.

Obviously, she's very athletic...

And she'll bring a youthful spirit to the team...

She's always smiling...

Who cares that I'm reaching? She's on the team!

Midfielder, Sue Bird

Point guard to center mid seems like a natural fit, right?

She is from a Russian-Jewish family, so there's always the chance she makes this The Chosen XI.

I had to consider that she's a WNBA player, on a team partnered with the destined-for-bad-things Supersonics, so her job security isn't the best.

At 5-9, 150, we'll take her.

Midfielder, Elisabeth Shue (Captain)

If you're asking why she's on the team, you obviously didn't watch Gracie.

Growing up Shue had to prove herself as a soccer star against the boys. In fact, sorry Stokke, I'm making her captain.

Heck, she could probably play in the MLS.

And don't forget, she was the Karate Kid's girlfriend.

Forward, Maria Sharapova

You think she grunts loud on the court, imagine what sounds will come out of the Russian when she misses an empty-netter...

And she's almost 6-2, a perfect target in the air.

She's won Wimbledon, so we know she's good on grass (I think I've used that line before).

Anyways, her endorsements will be able to handle all the amenities -- Gatorade, Nike unis, free Land Rovers for everyone...?

Forward, Marion Jones

Sure, she juiced, but she's still fast as hell.

You could give the defense a ten yard head-start and she'd still blow past 'em. She might not be the most popular girl in the locker room, but she'll score some goals.

You just might want to avoid sharing her water-bottle, or vitamins.

Plus, I hear she doesn't have much money, she'll be a cheap sign.

Forward, Keira Knightley

Well she was the star of the greatest soccer movie ever...

And she was pretty good.

I'm sure none of you have any complaints, so we'll leave it at that.

* * *

Clever? Stupid? More talented than the U.S. men's national team?

Gimme your thoughts. Who'd I miss?

(Previous TBG Top XI's: the Non-Soccer XI, the All-MLS XI, the All-Overrated XI, the All-Mayers XI)

Ballhype: hype it up!


Bruce said...

If Sue Bird focused on soccer instead of basketball she would have been the greatest female soccer player of all time.

Simon said...

I'm confused, did you need to include some men in the field? Was Amelie a quota filler?

Eric said...

Where's Parminder Nagra? She was hotter than Knightley in that flick.
She had the juicy juicy mangoes...

Kosty said...

I seriously hope you are not really considering Bend It Like Beckham as the greatest soccer movie ever. Ever heard of a little movie called Victory?? Stallone, Michael Caine, Pele, Max von Sydow. Stallone makes the final save on the penalty kick to save the POW's...all while winning over their German captor's hearts....PRICELESS.

Anonymous said...

Greatest soccer movie ever, how about Lady Bugs. A guy dresses like a girl and dominating...wait a second... BRILLIANT!

Dal said...

Swap out Marion "Wouldn't Pass a Drug Test" Jones for Diana Taurasi. The girl is an uber-athlete and she knows how to win (3 National titles at UCONN and currently playing in the Western Conference Finals of the WNBA Playoffs). The girl is magic with the ball and knows how to score in the clutch!

extrapolater said...

"Where's Parminder Nagra? She was hotter than Knightley in that flick.
She had the juicy juicy mangoes..."

I agree with the hotness sentiment (I guess I have an Indian fetish), and besides, she was the actual star of the film. Knightly was a fortunate choice for the sidekick, who went on to be a bigger star.

The Beautiful Game said...

wow, 57000 views, that'd fill a stadium...

Anonymous said...

How about Idaho Senator Larry will need someone who will chase loose balls...

Anonymous said...

How about venus williams...who would want to score on her?

FatGuyMax said...

Mandy Moore sits on the bench. My lock between the pipes, Gabrielle Reece. 6'3" Volleyball star. Huge wingspan. Great vertical. Powerfull legs. Eye-Hand coordination. No problem diving. May need some coaching to convince her to catch the ball instead of blocking it

rstiles said...

I like your team....but did you see a recent picture of keira knightley....she is a freakin stick!!!....for may want to change that pick

I also agree, Marion Jones will never pass a drug test...put Misty May in instead...

Also, put Gabby Reese in goal

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