American Gladiators: Soccer Style

Edgar Davids = Mayhem


The dreadlocks make Davids the pick here. Sure there's a bit of a size difference -- Mayhem is 6-foot-5, 230 pounds -- but both share a crazed energy-level that strikes fear into the hearts of men.

One other thing, I distinctly remember Mayhem breaking a guy's leg earlier this season (around the 0:40 mark). Is it just a coincidence then that Davids 2007-08 season was cut short by a broken leg?

I think not.

Carlos Tevez = Militia


Both these guys are powerful men with golden-brown skin and, well, faces that won't make momma proud. We'll give Tevez pass on the whole "gay porn" thing.

NBC's website claims Militia has an "an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal." One could say the same for Tevez, who has an uncanny combination of speed, power and touch. Medal of Honor worthy.

If I saw these two guys walking together on the street, I'd swear they were related.

Kyle Beckerman = Wolf


The first thing that comes to mind for both of these fine athletes, is 'When was the last time they took a shower?' I call it in the Adam Morrison-syndrome. Perhaps wild and uncontrollable hair gives these two power, a la Sampson.

What's the crazy coincidence with these two? Wolf's real name is Hollywood Yates. Beckerman made his international debut for the U.S. national team in Carson, Calif., a stone's throw away from Hollywood.

Also, Yates' own website lists soccer as one of his athletic skills.

Dwayne De Rosario = Toa


Toa does a version of the Haka sometimes before competition, makes me think he's Samoan. Sadly I'm not familiar with the soccer teams in Polynesia, so De Rosario -- even though he's Canadian -- will have to do. They share the same exotic look.

Did you know Rosario's middle name is AnThOny? Rearrange the highlighted letters. That can't be a coincidence. Rosario also shares the first name of one of Toa's real-life cousins -- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Okay, this is getting creepy.

Alan Smith = Titan


Speaking of sharing the same look, Smith and Titan both could pass as -- dare I say it -- perfect Aryans. If Hitler imagined an army, these two might head the front line.

Smith is considerably smaller than the 6-foot-3, 251-pound Titan, but has the psychotic personality to make up for it.

I know you're waiting for the crazy connection, so here it is. I'm pretty sure Smith leads the universe in red cards and bad boy antics. Titan was once Mr. Universe. Bam.

Jon Obi Mikel = Justice


Justice is listed a 6 feet, 8 inches. The only soccer player that comes close to that height is Peter Crouch, but he's just a tall version of Mary Kate Olsen -- or whoever the bulimic
one is.

So my pick was Mikel. On the pitch, the Nigerian is a complete girl: dirty fouls, complains all the time, plus I'm not sure he's even scored for Chelsea. Speaking of girls, Justice once played a bouncer on "Gilmore Girls."

That's all I got.